My Life Inventory

Learning to love myself and honor my feelings and intuition is where I’m at on my life journey today.  I’ve lived most of my life outside of myself, if that makes any sense.  Sort of connected to what’s outside, responding to everyone’s mood and what I thought they expected from me.  Yet disconnected from Me.

At the age of 15 I started a search for meaning to my life.  By that age I was already experiencing depression and anxiety, without knowing anything about it.  I had absolutely no idea what I was feeling or why.  I just knew it felt shitty.

I started reading books on self-help and positive thoughts.  I went to therapists.  I started looking for a Higher Purpose or God.  I looked outside of myself in religion, friends, lovers, but none of that ever brought me lasting inner well-being, you know, that feeling of ok-ness and joy.

Through the years I’ve “been there, done that”, as the saying goes.  I’ve been married 3 times, and am single right now (and I like it), I have 3 wonderful children, which I raised as best I could considering my emotional limitations; I’ve worked in different scenarios, lived in two different countries, Dominican Republic and USA, have taken risks and moved beyond my comfort zones.  I spent 20 years actively in organized religion, which did bring certain clarity and inner peace to me.  Yet, I still felt there was something “missing” inside of me.  I still felt “disconnected”.

Early last year (2010) I went through YOU University life coach training program.  What an emotional experience it was.  Through the long months of inner work and self discovery, I realized I had been carrying so much shame and guilt, both triggers for depression and anxiety.  A lot was brought to light and dealt with.  Also about a year ago I read on the internet about dysthymia….which is chronic mild depression.  AHA.  That’s what I’ve experienced since age 15.  I diagnosed myself….which was confirmed by a mental health professional.  I also have discovered that much of my family experience depression, including both of my parents.  Ok.  I’m getting closer.  You see, each one of these discoveries and life experiences has guided me to better self-knowledge.  I admire myself because I never give up, and I’m always wanting to be more of myself.

Today, I am grateful to Life.  I’m moving closer with each day to feeling more alive, to releasing the stuck energy in my body that’s ages old.  Now I am practicing meditation, reiki, mindfulness, which is being in the present moment and engaged in the activity at hand, I also practice the A Course in Miracles principles which are very freeing and feel real!  I journal and continue using the tools I learned in YOU University to manage my feelings and release them.  Loving and caring for myself is becoming a reality for me, once and for all.  It’s quite a journey.

Published in: on June 26, 2011 at 2:31 pm  Comments (1)  

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One CommentLeave a comment

  1. I love your post Savina! I can relate to a lot of what you said. I too always seem to do what I thought others wanted me too!

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